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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Chapter 6: Promethetago

Guest narrator: James Earl Jones

OUR STORY THUS FAR: Tago is in possession of the most powerful tool the tribe has ever known, the bang bang bone. Since Tago hit Farta in the head and accidentally gave him a dent, Tago has only used the bang bang bone as a sculpting tool. When Farta left to move himself, his mate Balchane and their baby into a New England-style cave closer to the tribe, Tago attempted to sculpt the monolith to come to a greater understanding of its origin and the intentions of its creator or creators. His sculpture looked nothing like the monolith, but Farta and Tago found, when laid down, it made an excellent bench. The alpha male Bruto has rigged a debate to be re-elected leader - this time by the males, and not the females as was tradition before the monolith came. Bruto works closely with Dico, the alpha grunt-maker, who has invented pronouns and other new words. There are others in his inner circle, as well.


*hic* Good porn. *hic*

Tago? Tago?

Farta! Tago glad to see Farta.

Farta glad to see Tago. Farta learned something new.

What Farta learned?

Farta count to ten on fingers. Farta have ten fingers. But Farta have ten toes, too. Counting fingers and toes, Farta count... two tens!

Wow! Farta count higher than anybody ever. Farta is genius!

Farta know.

Wait. Tago have ten fingers, too. Maybe Tago have ten toes. Farta maybe can count Tago fingers and toes with Farta fingers and toes, count higher?

Tago have good idea. Hold on. Farta count. One. Two. Three. ... ... Ten. Ten and one. Ten and two. ... ... Two tens. Two tens and one. Two tens and two. ... ... Three tens. Three tens and one. Three tens and two. ... ... Four tens!

Wow! Now Farta really genius. Farta counted higher than anybody ever thinked could count. Farta counted higher than how many stars in sky or sands on ground!

Yes. But Farta not satisfied. Farta wish Farta could count even higher.

Hmm. Tago think of something else Farta can count on. Look like finger or toe.

What? ... Oh. Oh! Tago smart. Okay. Four tens... and one. Four tens and two. Four tens and two!

Four tens and two!

Together: Four tens and two! Four tens and two! Four tens and two! Four tens and two!

Farta really smart. Farta smartest in tribe, smartest in any tribe. Farta just like Furry Night Bird Far....





Tago struck the Cat with Big Tooths in the nose with the bang bang bone instinctively. The hapless Dinofelis, however, had only been looking for easy prey, and was not expecting such violent resistance from a crippled primate. Startled by the blow, the scimitar-toothed cat recoiled and ran off to find a pig or rabbit or similarly unarmed prey. Farta and Tago, meanwhile, were in shock, and completely unaware their actions had been witnessed by another member of the tribe, Sliver, who had been out pacing the mountainsides and wondering who sent the monolith. Sliver crept silently away, unnoticed by either Farta or Tago.

Ta... Ta... Ta...

Tago... okay?

Tago... need... grape juice.


And thus did our heroes get drunk and return to their favorite pastime of superhero comics, porn and booze. Several hours passed in this state.

*hic* So now Tago look. Furry Night Bird Farta count to four tens and two, and Flying Tago say... *hic* Flying Tago say, "This great way to catch Two-Faces." So Flying Tago fly over mountains, and Flying Tago see... *hic* see... *hic* see...

*hic* Uh, Farta not look now, but Tago and Farta have company.

No. *hic* That not what Flying Tago say.

No, no. *hic* That what Tago say.

What? Oh.

Indeed, it was true. Two of the tribe's largest males, Pound and Smash, had crept up on Farta and Tago where they sat. Pound and Smash were enormous - larger than almost any other males in the tribe. They were so strong, they could not walk on their hind legs, for they needed the support of their arms to hold their massive chests up. So they walked on all fours, the way Tago did, but without the limp. They stared at Farta and Tago with cold, black eyes.

Yous come with Is now.

Okay. Farta come.

Tago come, too.

Pound and Smash led Farta and Tago to the mountain known as Maw. It was here where Bruto, the alpha male of the tribe, and his inner circle had their cave. The front of the cave in Maw had a hole in the ceiling, from which the moonlight poured in and barely lit the cave. When Pound and Smash led Farta and Tago into the front of the cave, it was empty and eerily quiet. Farta and Tago huddled close to one another for protection. They had never been made to feel so in danger from other members of their tribe. Pound barked orders to them.

Yous call alpha males "thou," not "you," and "Thou Greatness." Yous say "aye," not "yes" to hes. Yous say "nay," not "no," to hes. Dico sayed so.

In a moment, Pound and Smash were gone, and the cave began to fill up with faces. They were horribly and ghastly lit in the sparse moonlight, and Farta and Tago could barely make out the glow of their black eyes. They stared at our heroes without expression, without sound, without bared teeth. They formed a semi-circle around the terrified Farta and Tago, and at the center of the semi-circle stood Bruto. He looked them up and down before speaking.

Yous are not strong.

Tago have bad leg. Farta have dent in head. Tago much stronger before bad leg. Farta much stronger before dent in head.


Farta and Tago recoiled at the shouts from the invisible faces in the semi-circle. They stared at their feet and waited for Bruto to break the silence.

Yet yous fighted off Cat with Big Tooths.

Aye. I fighted it off on accident, Bru... Thou Greatness.

How you do that?

With bang bang bone. Tago... I finded bang bang bone, Thou Greatness.

You let I see bang bang bone.

Here, Thou Greatness.

Hmmm. Bang bang bone stopped Cat with Big Tooths?

Aye, Thou Greatness.


I smacked Cat with Big Tooths in nose with bang bang bone. I hurted Cat with Big Tooths.

Where you finded bang bang bone?

I finded in remains of pig. All remains of pigs have bang bang bones.

Hm. Dico? "Bang bang bone" is silly word. Thou make new word for bang bang bone.

Aye, aye. Hm. Is very difficult. Maybe bang bang bone make sound? Hit bang bang bone on ground, Thou Greatness.


Bang bang bone now called, "weapon."

Hm. Yes. Good word. "Weapon." I need think on new weapon. Pound, Smash, take hes to holding cell. I keep weapon until I decide what I do.

Aye, Thou Greatness. Move, yous.

And so Farta and Tago were led to the deepest, darkest part of the cave. There was a recess in the caverns where no light came, and Pound and Smash left them there with nothing but a few leaves to eat and a shell full of water to drink. As Pound and Smash paced the opening from the recess, Farta and Tago grunted in whispers to each other.

Farta have question for Tago.

Farta shoot.

Why Tago no mention bang bang bone also maked dent in Farta head?

Tago not want to. When Tago hitted Farta with bang bang bone, Tago thinked Farta was gone gone bye-bye gone. Farta not gone gone bye-bye gone, but Tago think maybe someday someone become gone gone bye-bye gone from bang bang bone. Tago not trust Bruto since monolith come. Tago think maybe Bruto use bang bang bone to make someones gone gone bye-bye gone if Bruto know. Tago hope Bruto never know.

Farta understand. Since monolith come, Bruto not make sense.

Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Tago right. Still, Bruto make less sense than other things. Bruto not like before. Bruto scary.

Tago agree. Tago wish Tago have grape juice. Tago really need grape juice right now.

Farta really need wheat water.

And so our heroes spent the night wishing for booze and worrying about the implications of what they had wrought. In the morning, Pound and Smash received a visit from two other guards of size nearly equal to themselves. Pound and Smash spent long moments grunting quietly to their visitors while casting furtive glances at Farta and Tago. At last, Pound and Smash entered the recess where Farta and Tago waited.

Yous come with Is now.

Farta come.

Tago come, too.

Pound and Smash led our heroes out of the Maw and into the courtyard in the center of the caves, where Farta and Tago were surprised to see most of the males, and quite a few females, of the tribe gathered. Farta searched the faces for a sign of his mate Balchane, but seeing she was not there, he decided she had stayed home to care for their baby. Tago just stared in awe. At last, Bruto stepped to the middle of the tribe, who were grunting to each other in low tones. As he raised his arms, one of which held a bang bang bone, the tribe fell silent.

Attention, yous! As yous alpha, I promised to keep yous safe from Cat with Big Tooths. I knowed many of yous not sure how I do this. Now today I show you. I keep you safe with this. It called "weapon." If yous smack Cat with Big Tooths on nose with weapon, Cat with Big Tooths run away.

A general murmur of grunting went up amongst the tribe. Bruto raised his arms again, and they fell silent.

But weapon have other uses. Weapon also feed tribe. Hunters, yous come!

At this command from Bruto, a dozen of the tribe's largest males walked into the circle. In one hand, they carried the bang bang bones. In the other, they carried freshly killed animals. Most carried two or three rabbits, their heads bashed in and blood pouring from their breathless noses and mouths. Two pairs struggled to carry a large pig, also beaten to death. The murmurs among the tribe became even louder as the hunters carried their kills to the center next to Bruto and laid them down. Farta and Tago still said nothing but merely stared. Once again, Bruto raised his arms, and the tribe fell silent.

Cat with Big Tooths eat pigs, eat rabbits. Cat with Big Tooths not better than tribe. Now, tribe eat pigs and rabbits, even elephants, too. If anyone kill Cat with Big Tooths, tribe eat this, too. Dico say dead pigs and rabbits and elephants and Cats with Big Tooths for eating now called "meat." Going to kill animals for eating now called "hunt." It responsibility of all males in tribe to go on hunt. All yous given weapon, all go on hunt. Now tribe never go hungry.

The tribe cheered. Bruto raised his arms again, and they fell silent.

Dico sayed having weapons and inventing weapons now called "defense." Agreement to do anything called "contract." First to contract is Tago. He deserve pay for being defense contractor. I say everyone count stones yous have. For every ten yous have, yous give one to he. If yous have less than ten, yous keep. Now yous give Tago stones.

Farta and Tago watched in amazement as everyone in the tribe, including the hunters, the elders and Bruto, ran back to their caves. Within moments, members of the tribe began showing up in front of Tago. The first few tribe members dropped a few shiny pebbles in front of him, no more than three or four. The pebbles made a small heap, but eventually, every member of the tribe contributed to the heap. Some left six or seven, but some had their hands full of pebbles. When all the members of the tribe had contributed, the heap was taller than the crippled Tago himself. Farta and Tago stared at the pile of pebbles, unsure of what to make of it.

What all this for?

Farta not sure.

How many shiny little rocks Farta see?

Farta not sure. Farta count to four tens and two, but then Farta stop counting.

Wait! How much you say?

Farta and Tago froze again as Bruto ran up to them. They stared at their feet and said nothing.

I hear you say how much. How much you say?

Farta... I say I count more than four tens and two shiny little rocks in pile, Thou Greatness.

I hear you say that. How you count that high?

Far... I show thou. I have ten fingers, but I also have ten toes. I count to two tens. But thou have ten fingers, also have ten toes. I count thou fingers and toes, too. Then I count this, and thou stand like this. Okay. Now, I count four tens and two.

Counting this high very helpful. Now tribe can count tribe, can count stones. You allow tribe to count to four tens and two?

I allow.

Yous here. Farta invent new number, four tens and two. This number good for defense. Farta now defense contractor, too. Every male in tribe, for every ten stones yous have, yous give Farta one, too.

Once again, the tribe returned to their caves, and once again, they returned to pile their pebbles in a heap in front of Farta. Pound and Smash gave Tago a look which suggested he, too, should measure his fortune and pay tribute to Farta. Although Tago was not sure what his pile of pebbles meant - or perhaps because he did not know its significance - he, too, counted out a tenth of his wealth, which he left in front of Farta. When the accounting was done, Farta had a pile of pebbles which reached to his head, one which stood much taller than that of the crippled Tago. Farta and Tago stared in bewilderment at the pile of useless stones before them. In the center of the tribe, Bruto raised his arms, and the crowd fell silent for the last time.

Defense contractors Farta and Tago now paid. Now forward, all yous males equally responsible for hunt. Now, yous all get weapons, yous all go on hunt. When yous not bring meat back on hunt, yous punched in baby maker. I grunted.

The tribe cheered again. At once, the hunters lined up to hand out weapons. Each male lined up to accept the bang bang bones. Farta and Tago did not join the queue but still stood off to the side. At last, Pound and Smash walked up to Farta and Tago and jerked their heads toward the queue. Taking the hint, Farta and Tago lined up and received bang bang bones, although Tago was disappointed to see his bang bang bone was not the same one he had once used. He could tell from scratches on the great trochanter, made from the impact with Farta's skull, that Bruto held that first bang bang bone. When all the males had their bang bang bones, they returned to the circle. Farta and Tago retreated to their piles of stones. One last time, Bruto raised his arms and spoke to the assembly.

Big Hunt begin now. All yous get meat. Yous return by time Big Light in Sky reach middle of sky in tomorrow-tomorrow. Yous go now.

Bruto waved his hands and wheeled around to return to the Maw. The males of the tribe shuffled out of formation and scattered throughout the plains surrounding the caves. Pound and Smash glared at Farta and Tago, who reluctantly shouldered their weapons and limped off into the plains. With two days to hunt and the plains teeming with animals, they knew they had plenty of time to be successful. So they stealthily crept back to the bench to retrieve their grape juice and wheat water, and thus spent the first night of the Big Hunt intoxicating themselves. Farta drew his superhero stories, and Tago his porn.

*hic* Female hindquarters too hairy? *hic*

*hic* *HIC* *hic* Little bit. Little bit.

Tago... *hic* Tago fix.

*scritch scratch scritch*

Farta have... *hic* question for Tago.

Farta ask.

Tago want hunt or eat meat?

Not really. Before monolith come, tribe eat wheat and grapes and beans. Tribe sometimes hungry, but tribe not gone gone bye-bye gone with no food. Now, tribe eat more, but now rabbits and pigs and elephants gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago think it not fair make even rabbits and pigs and elephants gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago not like Cat with Big Tooths, but now Tago think tribe no gooder than Cat with Big Tooths.


What Farta think?

Farta not like make meat gone gone bye-bye gone, but Farta have mate and baby. When tribe have not enough food, babies first to become gone gone bye-bye gone. Farta worry for baby. Farta think baby more important than rabbit.

Tago not understand.

When Tago make baby, Tago understand.

Tago guess. Anyway, Tago think not getting punch in baby-maker more important than rabbit, too. So Tago not like hunt, but Tago find meat for tribe.

Farta understand.

Flying Tago ever worry about punch to baby-maker?

Hm? Oh! No. Flying Tago never fear punch to baby-maker. Flying Tago baby-maker feel nothing. Here, Farta tell story....

And so the two spent the rest of the evening sharing superhero stories, porn and liquor. The next morning, they woke up hungover and hid under the shade of trees until their headaches had subsided. When they felt better, it was nearly nightfall again. As their vision was not as good at night, and as most animals slept at night, they decided to drink some more and hunt when the Big Light in Sky rose, which would still allow them several hours to fulfill their obligations. Thus, they spent the night with still more booze, porn and superheroes, until at last they fell asleep. When the Big Light in Sky again arose, Farta and Tago were hungover once more, but fearing for their sensitive crotches, they forced themselves to hunt in the few hours they had remaining. At last, they came across two rabbits in a glen, munching leaves and hopping about. Just as Farta was about to club them with the bang bang bone, Tago stopped him.

Wait. Tago not want make rabbits gone gone bye-bye gone.

*quack quack QUACK QUACK*

Farta and Tago need rabbit meat to feed tribe, not get punch in baby-makers.

Tago know. But rabbits look so cute, so harmless. Why Farta and Tago need make cute, harmless rabbits gone gone bye-bye gone?

Tago say this last night. Farta say baby more important than rabbits. Tago say baby-maker more important than rabbits.


Tago know, but Farta look at rabbits. What rabbits ever do to us? Rabbits like Imbecile. Rabbits good. Tago feel bad for rabbits.


Farta agree. But Farta need meat for tribe.

Tago wish...


Tago lose thought. Ducks really getting on Tago nerves.

Farta have idea.


What Farta idea? Tago forgetted in duck quack.

Farta think duck make meat, too. Duck not quack any more. Farta make duck gone gone bye-bye gone with hands, not with bang bang bone. Not use bang bang bone to hurt anything.

Tago like idea. Farta go first.


*QUACK QUACK* *skik*

Now Farta have meat for tribe. Tago have meat for tribe. Farta and Tago happy.

Tago still worry for rabbits. Maybe another one in tribe find rabbits in hunt. Then what?

Rabbits make gone gone bye-bye gone.

Yes. Farta right. Rabbits so cute. Tago not want rabbits be gone gone bye-bye gone.

Farta not sure what to do.

Tago have idea. Farta baby like rabbit?

Farta baby like.

Maybe Farta take one rabbit to cave. Tago take other rabbit to cave. Tago keep rabbit safe. Give rabbit food. Rabbit not gone gone bye-bye gone in hunt.

Farta agree. Baby like rabbit. Farta take rabbit to cave.

Show tribe duck. Not show rabbit. Rabbit safe. Tago name Tago rabbit "George."

"George." Is good name. Farta like.

What Farta name Farta rabbit?

Farta name rabbit "Lenny."

George and Lenny. Good names. Tago like. Farta come. Farta and Tago take meat of ducks to tribe.

OK. Farta come.

And so Farta and Tago averted the destructive power of the bang bang bones and discovered, through accident, the tastiness of poultry. They also invented pets, through their adoption of the rabbits. They would soon come to learn the benefits of having a pet, and their rabbits would one day prove their usefulness to Farta and Tago. In the meanwhile, their consciences in participating in the Big Hunt were assuaged, and their baby-makers were also protected. Thus, as Farta and Tago return to their tribe, disaster has been averted, and with that, I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Chapter 5: Tago's Masterpiece

Guest narrator: Sam Waterson

OUR STORY THUS FAR: Inspired by Farta's tales of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta, Tago attempted to fly and broke his leg. They went to reunite with their tribe, but their first two encounters were less than fulfilling. The first member of their tribe they met was Artiste, who has, since the monolith came, developed a French accent and taken to drawing "masterpieces" of art in the dirt. The masterpiece they saw was a drawing of poop, which Artiste had entitled "This Is Not a Poop." Artiste was dismissive and unimpressed with Tago's drawings of porn and Farta's superhero drawings. In their second encounter, they saw a debate between the tribe's previous alpha male, Bruto, and a contender, Brongo. Bruto won handily, and as punishment, Brongo's crotch was punched by every male in the tribe. Farta and Tago were horrified by the scene and retreated to their booze.


Somebody *hic*... somebody maked monolith. Tago sure.


Tago not know. Maybe tribe. Maybe other tribe. Maybe somebody else. Flying Tago. Furry Night Bad Farta. Big Light at Night, maybe, or Big Light in Sky. Maybe Cat with Big Tooths. Maybe...


Farta not lissening.

Farta sorry. Farta lissen.

No. Farta think on something else.

Okay. Yes. Farta miss Balchane. Farta need go see Balchane, tell Balchane come to cave near tribe.

*hic* Tago understand.

Farta go now. Tago stay until Farta return?

Farta have food? Tago can't get food by self. Bad leg.

Hm. Here some grapes, wheat, corn. This enough for Tago?

How long Farta gone?

Three days. Maybe four.

Tago fine. Tago stay.

Tago sure? If Tago not fine, Farta take Tago along.

No, no. Tago fine. Farta go. Farta say hello to Balchane.


And so Farta went to sleep to sober up and therefore not let Balchane know he had been drinking, and also not to be a poop hole to Balchane when he saw her. The next morning, he and Tago said their good-byes, and Farta set out across the Plain Between the Mountains to find Balchane and his baby and move them closer to the rest of the tribe. His quest was successful, and Farta and Balchane moved to a spacious, well-kept New England-style cave with a lovely view of the spot where the monolith had been found. Their new cave had recently been vacated by Artiste, who had, since he had begun drawing masterpieces, moved into a loft cave in the mountain the tribe called Soho. Tago was alone for five days. When Farta returned, he found Tago missing from the spot where he had parted.

Tago? Tago? TAGO?!

Bang! Bang!



Tago, are you...? Oh. Tago?


Tago stop! Tago stop! Tago listen to Farta. Tago look awful.

*puff puff pant* Huh? Oh. Hi, Farta.

Tago okay? Tago look awful. Tago eated? Tago sleeped?

Not much. Tago been busy. Tago thinked, if Tago hit rock with bang bang bone, Tago make masterpiece like Artiste. But Tago masterpiece last longer than Artiste masterpieces. Not wash away next time water come from sky.

Oh. This masterpiece here?

It work in progress. Tago can't reach top alone. Bad leg. Farta give Tago boost?


*uhn huff mmm gah uhn*

Okay. Farta hold still. Right there.

Tnngmm lnng nnn Frrrtmm mmmmfff.

What? Tago not under... OW! CAREFUL WITH TAGO BAD LEG!

FARTA SORRY! But Tago leg on Farta mouth!


Farta sorry. Farta sorry. Here. Farta rub Tago leg. Better? Farta sorry.

Mmm. Yes. Better. Leg get better.

Uh... Tago? Uh... Tago leg feeling too good now. Uh... Tago baby-maker poking Farta in ear now.

Hm? Oh. Sorry. Hah. Remember when Brongo try mate with Jana in ear?

Tago not mention Brongo again.

Oh. Oh, right. Tago sorry. Here. Tago move careful, move baby-maker.

*uhn mmm gah*


Now Tago baby-maker poke back of Farta neck.

*Sigh.* Okay. Farta lift Tago a little higher, Tago lay baby-maker on top of Farta head.


*uhnnnnn gah mmmmm*

There. Farta hold still.

Tago hurry!

Farta hold still!

Okay, okay. Tago hurry!



Tago... almost... done?

Just few more hits. Farta stay still.

Tago hurry.


*puff puff puff pant* Okay. Tago done.

Whew. Farta put Tago down now.

Farta careful! Farta careful!

Farta getting dizzy....

Farta careful!

*uhnnnnn* *huff puff puff puff*

Farta like masterpiece?

Masterpiece look like... like... like big baby-maker.

WHAT?! No, no, no.

Masterpiece look like baby-maker. Not baby-maker?

No. Tago see, though. Two little things at top. Farta lift Tago again?

No! Farta tired and dizzy.

But Tago need to finish masterpiece.

Here. Tago give Farta bang bang bone. Farta finish masterpiece.

Okay. Here. Take little bit off there.


No, up more. Little more. Okay.



Little more.


Okay. Now other side.


Farta stop! Okay. Just tiny bit more on other side. Little hit.


Okay. Perfect. Now what Farta think of masterpiece.

*puff puff pant* Tago let Farta catch breath. Farta really dizzy now.


*puff puff puff puff puff puff puff pant*

Farta see?

Masterpiece look like... poop.


What? Masterpiece not poop? Artiste make masterpiece of poop.

Masterpiece not poop! No!

Oh! Oh, Farta see now. Masterpiece is corn. Of course. Masterpiece look just like corn. Good Tago. Tago make good masterpiece.

No, no, no. Masterpiece not corn, either. Never mind.

Uh... what masterpiece, then? Farta confused.


OH! Farta see now. Yes. Farta see monolith.

No, Farta right. Tago not make masterpiece. Tago make poop. Artiste right, too. Tago never make masterpiece, only poop.

Come on, Tago not be like that. Tago try again. Next time, Tago make monolith. Farta sure.

Never mind.

Why Tago want to make monolith, anyway?

Since monolith come, nothing make sense. If Tago maked monolith, maybe something make sense. But Tago failed. Tago can't make monolith, can't fly, can't draw corn that look like corn and not poop. Tago never know who maked monolith, never bring Past back from Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky. Tago can't even find food anymore without help from Farta or tribe. Tago only good for drinking grape juice and drawing porn. Tago never amount to anything, never find female for mating until gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago is Imbecile.

Hm. Farta have idea.


What Farta doing?

Tago help Farta. Push masterpiece over on side.

Yes, Farta right. Masterpiece should fall down.

No, Tago just trust Farta. Help Farta.


One, two, three, Tago push!


kkkkrrrrrrr CRASH!

Now Tago masterpiece really look like poop.

No, see? Farta can sit on masterpiece. Tago, too. Tago rest bad leg. Maybe Tago even lie down. Tago not sleeped in five days.

Yes. Masterpiece is very comfortable.

There. See? Tago not good for nothing. Tago make good place to sit from bad rock.

Yes. Tago thank Farta. Tago feel better now.

Yes. Good Tago. Farto bringed more food for Tago. Balchane sayed when Tago want, Tago come to new cave. Balchane have food for Tago.

Mmmm. Food. Tago so hungry. Tago so tired. ... *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Good Tago. Tago sleep.

And so Tago slept all night, and all the next day and all the next night. When he at last awoke, he and Farta shared the food Farta had brought, and they spent the rest of the day drinking grape juice and wheat water and looking at Tago's porn and Farta's superheroes. As the day went on, Tago decided he was glad he had made such a good bench and not the monolith masterpiece he had set out to make. The monolith had caused nothing but problems, and Artiste's masterpieces did no one any good, but Tago's bench rested his crippled leg and gave Farta somewhere to lie down when the dent in his head caused dizzy spells. That was worth more to Tago than a thousand monoliths and a million masterpieces. The next day, Tago went with Farta back to his lovely new cave, where Balchane had prepared a fabulous feast of corn and insects and grass and berries. After they had eaten their fill, Tago thanked Balchane and returned to his bench, where he lay on his back and drank grape juice and stared at the night sky and wondered again if the monolith had come from somewhere out there. And as Tago drifts off to sleep, dear reader, I, your humble narrator, bid you adieu.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Chapter 4: A Post-Monolith World

Guest Narrator: Emma Thompson

 Farta and Tago have spent the last three weeks drinking booze, looking at porn and telling stories of Farta's superhero creations, Flying Tago and Furry Night Bard Farta. After an ill-fated attempt at flying, which has left Tago with a broken leg, the pair has decided to reunite with their tribe. On their way, they ran into Artiste, a member of their tribe who has affected a French accent and has started drawing "masterpieces" in the dirt. Artiste tried to explain the concept of the pronouns "I," "you," "he" and "she," which alpha grunt-maker Dico has declared should now be used, but Farta and Tago remain reticent to adopt the change. Farta and Tago have also learned their superhero creations are repellent to females, which is fine for Farta, who already has a lifelong mate in Balchane, but distressing for Tago, who remains single. After meeting Artiste, Farta and Tago decided he had gone insane, and spent the night drinking and looking at porn to prepare in case the rest of their tribe had gone insane.


Farta, Tago been thinking again.

Last time Tago thinked, Tago hurt leg.

No, no. Tago sober now. Tago been thinking about monolith.

Farta hate monolith. Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Tago agree. But monolith not like rock or river or cloud or even bang bang bone. Monolith smooth, flat, noisy, change how Tago think and Farta think and Artiste think. Monolith not just fall from somewhere. Someone maked monolith, Tago think.

Who could make monolith?

Tago not sure. But Tago think...

Tago no grunt! Edge of mountain here. Last Farta saw tribe, just around corner.

Farta look, see if tribe there.

Farta afraid. If tribe gone, Farta not know what to do.

Tago afraid, too. Leg hurt bad. Tago can't walk much further. If tribe gone, Tago maybe gone gone bye-bye gone soon. Farta look to see if tribe still there.

Farta can't. Can't see far sometimes.

Farta can't or Farta afraid?

Tago look.

Okay, okay. Tago look.

Well. Tago going to look?

Tago need swig of grape juice first. Just in case.

Okay, okay. Not take long, Tago.

*glug glug*

Okay. Now Tago look.

Good Tago. Tribe there?

Yes, some of tribe there.


All males of tribe.


All males Tago remember, except Farta.

Let Farta see.

It was true, dear reader. Indeed, all the males of the Fartago tribe had gathered in the center of the gap between the two mountains. Farta and Tago stared in wonder, for never before had they seen so many of their tribe gathered in one place - at least, never before save the night the monolith came. At first, Farta and Tago felt a twinge of fear that the monolith had returned to cause more mischief. But when Tago looked closer, he saw it was not a monolith, but three members of the tribe at a circle in the center of the gathering. At one end of the circle stood Bruto, the alpha male. Across from him, also facing out to the crowd, was another male of the tribe, Brongo. Standing between and a little ahead of them was Dico, whom Farta and Tago knew now to be the alpha grunt-maker of the tribe. Puzzled, Farta and Tago slowly made their way down the slope of the foothill to a male they recognized, Sliver.

Sliver, Sliver.

Farta? Tago? Where yous been?

Farta... I and Tago been busy. Why males gather?

Today, tribe choose new alpha.

New alpha? But no females here. Females choose alpha.

Not yet even in-heat season for females. Why tribe need new alpha?

Mating with most females not only job for alpha male anymore. Tribe live in post-monolith world. Tribe need alpha who can protect from danger.

Tago confused. "Post-monolith world"? Sky still above. Earth still below. River still wet. Rocks still dry. World same. Only tribe changed.

No, no. It post-monolith world. Now tribe know many things can and wish to hurt anybody - Cat with Big Tooths, fire from sky, not enough food, not enough water. Tribe need strong alpha, smart alpha.

But no females here. Females in tribe, too.

Females too busy nursing babies. This job for males. Males stronger, so males smarter. Know better how not to be gone gone bye-bye gone.

Who decided all this? This post-monolith world, tribe need new alpha, males choose alpha?

Bruto decided.

Alpha decide tribe need new alpha? That make no sense!

Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Bruto grunted last week. Sayed tribe choose best alpha to match against he. Dico call it "debate." Sayed debate today.

Tribe choosed Brongo? Brongo never mated with female since first make-baby-can season, and even then tried make-baby in Jana's ear!

Brongo run from rabbits and little birds that sing! Brongo worst alpha male!

When Bruto grunted, Bruto sayed, "Bruto welcome challenge from any opponent, even Brongo, who is formidable opponent and would make great alpha." After Bruto grunted, tribe thinked Bruto right. Brongo make good alpha maybe.

Tago think Sliver make better Alpha than Brongo.

I not want job. Too hard. World have too much danger. Brongo understand danger. Once outrunned Cat with Big Tooths. Besides, Sliver not... wait! Dico step forward. Debate going to start.

All the males of the tribe fell silent as stone as Dico raised up on his hind legs and raised his hands. Although they sensed something was amiss, Farta and Tago, too, remained silent. They harbored doubts about the debate, but they hoped to make some sense of what was coming.

Tribe listen! Today Bruto debate Brongo for who become new alpha male of tribe. Tribe listen, not grunt or make noise while he and he grunt. Except now. Tribe welcome Bruto.


And Brongo.


Each have until I say to stop grunting to grunt. Bruto begin.

I thank you, Dico. Tribe! All yous males. All yous friends. All yous and I know, since monolith come, world different. Tribe not ask for monolith to come, but tribe cannot cower in fear at post-monolith world. With I as alpha, tribe will face dangers bravely. Dangers of world many and all around. Every day, tribe see new ways to be gone gone bye-bye gone. I will find way to make Cat with Big Tooths gone gone bye-bye gone. I will protect tribe from fire from sky, and always find enough food. Since monolith come, Cat with Big Tooths not eat anybody in tribe. This because I protect. I can't say how I protected, because not want to scare tribe. But I is ready to face post-monolith world.

Bruto grunted enough.


Tribe not make noise! Brongo, you grunt.

Tribe! Ah... er... I mean, I thank Dico... thank you, Dico. Brongo... er, I not seen Cat with Big Tooths since before monolith. It now season when days become shorter, nights become longer. It not yet cold season, but cold season coming. Last cold season, Cat with Big Tooths not seen. I not sure Cat with Big Tooths hunt in cold season. Maybe that why Cat with Big Tooths eated nobody in tribe since monolith. Also, four days ago, Bron... I see Cat with Big Tooths eated female from another tribe. Maybe Cat with Big Tooths hunting other tribe now. I think maybe best thing to find somewhere else to live, somewhere where no Cat with Big Tooths is. I not sure how he protect from fire from sky, but I think most important to feed everyone in tribe, even Imbecile. That best way to live.

Brongo grunted enough.

... ... ... Yay.

Okay. Now tribe choose new alpha. Who yous choose?


The roar of the was almost deafening, and it startled Tago, who instinctively leapt into Farta's arms. Farta, too, was horrified. Carrying his crippled companion, he slowly crept away from their fellow tribesmen, who had been taken by a madness as though possessed. They were tossing rocks, handfuls of grass and their own feces in the air and shouting the name of their past and current leader over and over again. Even Sliver was too caught up in the excitement to notice Farta's and Tago's departure. In the center of the crowd, Brongo tried to slink away, but he was quickly seized by two large males on the edge of the crowd and brought back to the center of the circle. Dico again raised his hands, and the crowd fell silent.

Winner of debate is... Bruto!


Now is time for punishing of loser!


All tribe punch loser in baby-maker!


One by one, the tribe's males lined up to pummel Brongo's crotch. Bruto was allowed the first three blows, which he took with a relish as the two burly males held his defeated challenger down. Dico was allowed two blows, and then every male in the tribe took one blow each. Farta turned away from the scene and found an unoccupied crevice in the foothills in which to set down Tago. They both did their best to cover their ears against the sounds of the punches and the agonized wails of the unfortunate wretch, but even muffled, the cacophony was nauseating. After several minutes, the tribe had finished its punishment. They ran off to the caves, carrying Bruto above them and leaving poor Brongo in the dirt. After several more minutes, Brongo's wails stopped, as the abused Homo habilis slipped into unconsciousness, and Farta and Tago were left alone with only the sounds of the crickets chirping in the setting sun. Tago waited a long time to break the silence.


Yes, Tago.

Before monolith come, Farta always punished loser when new alpha was chosen.

Farta remember. Tago punished, too.

Tago remember. Why Farta not punish Brongo like other males?

Farta not know. Why Tago not punish Brongo?

Farta carried Tago.

Tago want punish Brongo? Brongo still out there.

No. Tago not want punish. Tago want grape juice. Tago want grape juice more than ever before.

Farta understand. Farta need wheat water.

Tago think Bruto knowed Brongo not make good alpha. Why Bruto sayed debate should be against Brongo?

If Tago was Bruto, and Tago knowed what would happen to loser, would Tago want to debate Brongo?

Yes. But Tago wouldn't want to debate anybody. Tago not want to be alpha or to debate or to choose new alpha.

Farta, either. What Farta not understand, why Brongo tried to be alpha?

Maybe Brongo thinked, if females not choose, no punishment. Or maybe Brongo thinked could win debate.

Or maybe Brongo right. Maybe Brongo have better ideas for being alpha.

Tago not know. Tago really need grape juice right now.

Tago draw porn?

No. Tago not in mood. Farta tell stories of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta?

No. Farta not in mood. Just get drunk.

That enough for Tago.

And so Farta and Tago spent a long, silent night together in the crevice, and they got drunker than they ever had. Even before the monolith came, neither of them had ever challenged to be alpha male, and they could not understand the intoxication of power could be greater than that of any grape juice or wheat water. Thus, it was impossible for them to conceive of the motivations of Bruto, Brongo, and Dico, let alone the beings who had created the monolith. The one thing they had both come to realize, however, was those who knew the seductiveness of power would go to any lengths, no matter how unnecessary or ill-advised, to gain or maintain it. But as they were simple Homo habilii, they wished never to know such power, and perhaps it was for the best, for neither had any illusion he was qualified to be alpha. And so it is with people. Not all of us are prepared to be leaders, but those of us who feel we are prepared must accept the consequences of our failures, and we must guard against excess in maintaining our power at all costs. And with that, dear reader, I, your humble narrator, bid you adieu.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Chapter 3: The Fellowship of Fartago

Guest Narrator: Patrick Stewart

OUR STORY THUS FAR: The monolith came to a tribe of Homo habilii. Two members of the tribe, Farta and Tago, began to recognize the inevitability of death. To cope with this recognition, they invented, discovered or conceived of, in order: tools/weapons (the bang bang bone), vulgar drawings of females (porn), alcohol (grape juice and wheat water), coffee (bean water), science (Farta's learn-things method), an afterlife (the Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in the Sky) and superheroes (Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta). Farta's mate Balchane has told him not to drink any more wheat water or look at any more porn, but Farta continues to do so when she's not around. Farta has a dent in his head from Tago's first use of the bang bang bone, and Tago has broken his leg from an unsuccessful attempt at flight. They have not reunited with their tribe since they first went off to ponder mortality.


How Tago leg feel?

Still hurt.

Farta have to leave soon. If Tago no can walk, Farta must leave Tago here.

Tago can walk. Just use arms. Where Farta go?

Farta not seen tribe since monolith come. Farta wonder where tribe is. Go looking.

Tago come, too. Maybe Tago meet female for mating until gone gone bye-bye gone, like Farta have with Balchane.

Maybe. Tago finish bean water fast. Farta and Tago leave when Big Light in Sky rise.


And so the quest began to be reunited with the rest of their tribe. Farta and Tago traveled slowly, due both to Tago's limp and the frequent dizziness caused by the dent in Farta's head. It took many hours for them to climb the cliff and cross the Plain Between the Mountains to the caves where last they had seen their tribe.

What if tribe not there?

Farta pretty sure tribe still there.

But what if tribe not?

Tago come to Farta cave. Live with Farta and Balchane and baby. Make new tribe.

But Tago not have female for mating in Farta cave.


If Tago not have female, Farta and mate and baby someday move on without Tago. Baby more important to Farta and Balchane than Tago. When Tago become gone gone bye-bye gone, Tago will be alone. Tago not want to be alone when Tago become gone gone....

Tago look! Beside tall grass! Look like males or females from tribe!


Farta not sure. Farta no can see so far. Tago look hard. Maybe Tago see.

Yes, Tago see okay. One male is Artiste. Three females Tago not know.

There, Tago see? Three females, one Artiste. That leave... let Farta count... ... ... two females. Maybe one for Tago. Farta told Tago.

Okay. Farta right. Tago just being worrywart.

And so Farta and Tago were reunited with the first member of their tribe they had seen in weeks. But the reunion was not to be a happy one, as you, dear reader, are about to discover.

Zere! Eet ees latest masterpiece!

It very good, Artiste.

You so creative.

You so make-baby-able.

I know, for I ees Artiste.

What masterpiece called?

Eet ees called, "Zis Ees..."

Artiste! Artiste! Farta so glad to see Artiste!

Tago, too! Tago glad. How Artiste been? Tago missed Artiste.

Oh, eet ees you.

Artiste know where rest of tribe go? Farta need see tribe. Farta have...

Listen you... you Imbeciles! I ees very busy Artiste. I 'ave no time for Imbeciles!

Uh... Artiste grunt funny. Why Artiste grunt funny?

What this "eye" and "ewe" words Artiste use? Tago not understand.

Zey are pronouns. Dico now alpha word-maker of tribe. 'E say, from now on, to use pronouns. So I use pronouns.

Tago not understand pronouns.

But Tago used pronouns in "issue zero" and earlier episodes? Farta remember.

Not no more. Tago retconned pronouns out.

Oh, Farta dig.

Uh... excuse I? We females don't understand this "issue zero" and "retconned"?

Oh. Farta thinked of Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago. Furry Night Bird Farta very smart, and Flying Tago very strong. But sometimes, when telling stories, Farta changed mind of what should be. So Farta thinked up retconning. Like when Farta telled story of "Crisis on More Than Ten Earths." After story, Flying Tago...





Farta? When Tago tell females of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta, females screamed and runned away.

Farta noticed.

Why females do that?

Farta not know.


Flying Tago not poop!

EET EES POOP! I spit on you story. *ptui* *ptui*

Tago not understand Artiste!

Yeah. And why Artiste grunt so funny? Grunt "zz," not "th" and no "h"?

Since monolith come, I become French.

Do French mean annoying?

Non! French mean Artiste.

That not make sense to Tago.

Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Farta right. Okay. Tago still not understand French. But pronouns. Who I? Who you?

I is 'oever is grunting. You is 'oever I is grunting to.

So when Farta grunt to Artiste, Farta I, and Artiste you. But when Artiste grunt to Farta, Artiste I, and Farta you.

You ees right.

Tago not like pronouns. Before pronouns, no matter who grunt, Farta always Farta, Tago always Tago, Artiste always Artiste. All same, all important. But pronouns make difference between "I" and "you." Now someone more important, and I always more important than you.

Farta have question. If Artiste grunting to Farta, Artiste is I. Farta is you. Who Tago?

Tago ees 'e.


No, hhhhhhhhe, you Imbecile.

Oh. Everybody else is he?

Non. Only males ees 'e. Females ees she.

Wait. All males and all females same now?

Een pronouns, oui.

Tago not like pronouns.

If you not use pronouns, you sound like Imbecile.

Why Artiste keep grunting about Imbecile?

Since monolith come, 'e still eat own poop.

So? Imbecile always slow, but Imbecile not hurt anybody. Not gone gone bye-bye gone yet. Not make nobody else gone gone bye-bye gone. Imbecile nice.

Farta agree. Imbecile no worse than anybody else.

Well, 'e ees no worse zan you. Zat is true. But 'e ees worse zan I, for I ees Artiste. I make masterpieces.

What masterpiece?

I show you. Be'old!

Uh... Farta see drawing of poop.

Eet ees drawing of poop.

Okay. Uh... okay. Uh...

Tago draw, too! Look!

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

See? Tago call it porn. It female in heat! Female show baby-maker! Very hairy hindquarters, and...

Eet ees poop.

It female!

EET POOP! And eet demeaning to females.

Artiste call all females same name "she," and Artiste say Tago demeaning to females?

Farta not understand. Artiste say Tago draw poop, but also Artiste draw poop?

Non. 'E drawed poop. I draw masterpiece of poop. Eet ees very different.

Okay. Okay. Tago draw something else. Look.

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

See? Is corn.

Eet ees poop. And eet look like drawing of poop.


No. Farta sorry, Tago. Artiste right. Tago draw poop this time.

No. It corn. See kernels?

No. See poop. Farta sorry.

Wait. So if Tago draw poop, Tago draw masterpiece?

Non! You only draw poop. You only ever draw poop, for you ees Imbecile. I draw masterpiece, for I ees Artiste. Zis masterpiece called "Zis Ees Not a Poop."

Uh... okay. Tago very confused now. Artiste sayed masterpiece poop, now say masterpiece not poop. So what is masterpiece?

Masterpiece ees what you see when you look at eet. Go. Look. Tell I what you see, not zat I care.

Okay. Uh... Tago see... Tago see Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky. That where Tago think anybody go when gone gone bye-bye gone. See all friends who gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago worry about Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky, but also glad to see friends. Tago not sure how Tago feel about Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky.

Zat is afterlife. Afterlife is opiate for tribe.

So what Artiste think happen when Artiste become gone gone bye-bye gone?

I never go. Masterpieces live forever.

Tago not sure Artiste think this through. When water come from sky, masterpieces wash away.


Farta just see poop.

Oui. Zat is because you ees Imbecile. You never understand masterpiece, and you never understand Artiste. I must go. I 'ave tired of grunting to Imbeciles. Au revoir!

Hey, Farta?

Oui, Imbecile? ... Farta mean yes, Tago?

Why Farta not punch Artiste in baby-maker?

Farta not sure. Why Tago not hit Artiste with bang bang bone?

Bang bang bone can make gone gone bye-bye gone maybe. Tago not wish make anyone gone gone bye-bye gone. But hitting in baby-maker not make gone gone bye-bye gone. Only hurt. And Artiste should hurt.

Artiste should hurt. Next time Farta see Artiste, Farta hit Artiste in baby-maker.

Good Farta. Farta think rest of tribe as crazy as Artiste?

Farta hope not. But Farta think Farta need wheat water before Farta meet rest of tribe again. Just in case.

Now Farta grunting. Farta pour grape juice for Tago.

Here mud in Tago eye.

And so Farta and Tago spent the night with their grape juice, wheat water and porn, and Farta told more tales of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta. They would never understand Artiste, but they didn't want to. Any Homo habilis who could not appreciate the simple pleasures of porn and superheroes, they decided, was not a Homo habilis worth knowing. And any Homo habilis who thought himself better than any other, even Imbecile, was far worse than most. But although Tago never told Farta this, Tago secretly pitied Artiste. For Artiste had become what he was only because he feared what Tago and Farta feared: That he, like his masterpieces when the rains came, would one day be gone. Had Tago told Farta this, Tago would have been surprised to learn Farta came to the same conclusion. But it is the nature of Homo habilii to prefer not to mention the one thing which makes them the same: They all, since the monolith came, fear death. And so I remind you, dear reader, who is no less important than I, that when you meet a Homo habilis who is arrogant, petty, cruel or ignorant, that male or female (whom I shall not demean with  a pronoun), like you, fears what might come and whether or not there is a Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in the Sky and whether or not it is a good place to be. As for our heroes, soon they shall be reunited with their tribe and discover if the others have gone as mad as Artiste. But in the meanwhile, I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

Chapter 2: How Tago Got His Limp

Guest narrator: Kenneth Branagh

OUR STORY THUS FAR: Two weeks ago, a black monolith appeared before a tribe of Homo habilii. Two of those primates, Farta and Tago, have realized they will one day become gone gone bye-bye gone. To cope with this, they have invented alcoholic grape juice and wheat water, and Tago has begun to scratch depictions of sexually attractive females in heat in the dirt with a stick. Not all their inventions are escapist, though. Tago's bang bang bone is a powerful weapon of defense (and it has already left a dent in Farta's skull), and his bean water counters the depressant effects of the grape juice and wheat water. Farta, meanwhile, has discovered it is possible to learn things through experimentation. Yet Tago and Farta have begun to wonder if there is anything beyond death, or if they are doomed to become nothing more than Cat with Big Tooths poop.


FARTA! FARTA! FARTA! Tago have great idea!


So Tago and Farta friend Past gone gone bye-bye gone. Past go to pile of Cat with Big Tooths poop. But where pile of Cat with Big Tooths poop go? Gone! All other cat poop go away, too, after time. So where Past now? Tago look at sky, and Tago think. Maybe poop in sky? Maybe poop hide somewhere, maybe behind Big Light at Night! Maybe Big Light at Night hold up all cat poop ever was! Maybe there great big pile of cat poop, and when Farta and Tago gone gone bye-bye gone, go to Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky and see all friends who gone gone bye-bye gone! See Past. See every...


OW! OW! OW! Why Farta punch Tago in baby-maker?

Tago grunt too much before Farta have bean water. Tago quiet for while.

Oh. Farta want hair of dog that bit Farta?

Farta not allowed. Farta mate Balchane say Farta drink too much wheat water, Farta become total poop hole.

Farta kind of poop hole when sober.



Balchane say Farta not drink wheat water anymore.

Oh. Farta feel better if Tago draw porn?

No. Balchane say porn demeaning to females. Balchane say since monolith come, males establish dominant patriarchal society. Say females treated as domestic servants or make-baby objects. Say porn perpetuate and reinforce submissive, objectifying culture.

That not make sense.

Since monolith came, nothing make sense. Anyway. Balchane say Farta no drink wheat water or look at porn again.

Wait. Farta already mated with Balchane. Maked make-baby and maked baby.


So why Farta not find new female to mate with if Balchane nag? Plenty of females to...



Farta not sure. What Tago say anger Farta. Since monolith come, Farta think of Balchane in new way. No more want just make-baby with Balchane. Now, Farta want mate with Balchane until Farta gone gone bye-bye gone. Farta not know how to explain.

Tago understand. Since monolith come, Tago want more than just make-baby, too. Tago wishing Tago could find one female Tago can mate with until Tago gone gone bye-bye gone, too. Tago never wished that before. Tago never knowed anybody wished that before. Farta wish that with Balchane?

Farta wish that.

Farta lucky. Balchane great female.

Farta know.

Still... Tago and Farta no drink wheat water and grape juice, no look at porn. How Farta and Tago forget be gone gone bye-bye gone soon?

Farta have idea. Where stick Tago use to make porn?


*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

This Farta. But it special Farta. This Farta look like Furry Night Bird. Furry Night Bird Farta smartest in tribe, smartest in any tribe. Know lots of things from Farta learn-things method. Make lots of bang bang bones for different uses. Good at fighting. Now look.

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

This Tago. But this Tago fly like bird. Flying Tago strongest in tribe, strongest in any tribe. Strong enough to pick up whole earth and sky. Can see and hear farther than anyone. Make fire with eyes. Nothing can hurt Flying Tago.

Do Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago ever become gone gone bye-bye gone?


That boring.

Okay, then. Yes.

That sad.

Hm. How about if Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago ever become gone gone bye-bye gone, Farta bring back in later issue, in summer crossover event.

WOW! Tago fascinated with Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago now.

Farta is, too.

Tago want to know all minutiae of Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago, spend hours debating who win in fight, get together in big cave with others who like Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago from all over world, know more about than Tago know about own family.

Farta do, too.

Farta's invention make Tago remember first make-baby-can season. Tago always feel like Tago never stopped first make-baby-can season.

Farta, too. First make-baby-can season long way away from gone gone bye-bye gone.

Yes. Good Farta. Good invention. Farta make more drawings of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta?


And so Farta and Tago spent the day with Farta's newly invented superheroes. But as the shadows lengthened and night began to fall, even these fantastical distractions were not enough to keep thoughts of death's inevitability away from Tago's mind.

Look at Furry Night Bird Farta beat up Cat with Big Tooths. Pow! Biff! Boff! Bam!

Why Farta not go back to Balchane?

Balchane gone to stream for water with baby.

So Farta alone tonight?


So Farta can't be poop hole to Balchane?


So what harm if Farta drink wheat water?

No harm.

Yay! Tago get wheat water and grape juice. And draw porn.

No. Porn still demeaning to females with objectifying and domestic servant and... Farta forget rest.

No, no, no. Tago promise not to draw porn to demean females. Tago draw smart females. Females good at Farta learn-things method. And females with realistically hairy hindquarters. That work?

Farta sold.


And thus did our intrepid (now that they're drunk, as they're very, very trepid when sober) heroes return to their natural state. As so often happens, many hours passed this way.

Farta! *hic* Farta... Farta lissen. Lissen! This important! *hic* What Tago gonna say, iss important!

Farta lissen.

No! Shh, sh, sh. Tago grunt. Got great idea. Lissen. Okay. Tago thinked of bang bang bone. Tago thinked, "Maybe bang bang bone break things," and bang bang bone worked. Right?

It work. Farta still have dent in head.

Right. Farta still have... oh. Hey. Tago sorry.

Farta not mad.

No, Farta. Tago really, really sorry. Tago like Farta. Tago like Farta so much, Tago never want Farta be gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago like Farta so much.

What Tago was saying about bang bang bone?

Oh, okay. Lissen. Lissen! This important! Okay. So bang bang bone break things. Then Tago thinked, "Maybe grape juice good," and grape juice good. Tago thinked, "Wheat water maybe good." And wheat water good. And bean water good, too.

Tago have point?

Yes! This important! Lissen. So today, Farta think something. Farta think, "Tago can fly like bird." Right?

Oh, Furry Night Bird Farta would totally kick Flying Tago's hindquarters in fight.

NO FURRY NIGHT BIRD FARTA WOULDN'T. But that not point. Lissen! So if Farta think Tago can fly, maybe Tago can fly. Maybe if think things, they true. Right?


Maybe Tago fly all way to Big Light at Night, find Great Big Pile of Cat Poop, find Past and other friends. Bring Past back. Past not gone gone bye-bye gone no more.


Tago gunna do it. Tago gunna fly. TAGO FLY!





Tago not flying.

Tago know.

Maybe Tago need try another way to fly, like Farta learn-things method. When birds fly, birds jump and flap arms. Tago jump and flap arms, maybe Tago fly.

That good idea! Good Farta. Okay. Here Tago go. Tago gunna fly. TAGO FLY!


*flap flap flap* *thud*

Tago not flying.

Tago know. Jumping and flapping make Tago dizzy.

Hm. Tago not feathery like bird. Tago furry like Furry Night Bird. When Furry Night Bird fly, it jump off top of cave wall, drop a while then flap arms. If Tago more like Furry Night Bird, Tago should jump off someplace high.

Like edge of cliff there?

That good place.

Farta very smart.

Farta know.

Okay. This time, really gunna do it. Tago gunna fly.

Farta can't wait.



*flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap*



Tago gone gone bye-bye gone?

No. But Tago is hurting.

Tago not flying.


Why Tago not gone gone bye-bye gone?

Tago land on big pile of pig poop.  Breaked Tago fall. Tago really dizzy. Tago hurted leg. And Tago covered in pig poop. Tago not having good night.

Farta not think Tago can fly.

Tago agree.

Farta not think anybody can fly. Farta think nobody ever go to Big Light at Night. Nobody ever know if Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky is there.

Tago think some things Farta and Tago think, can never do. But some things Farta and Tago think, can do. But if Farta and Tago try and can't do, sometimes get hurt bad. So what point of trying? But if Farta and Tago never try, never know what can do. So how can live without trying? Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Farta guess not.

Farta come down here where Tago is.


Farta bring grape juice.


Farta bring lots and lots of grape juice.


And so Tago broke his leg, an injury which would never heal properly and would give him a limp for the rest of his days. But he and Farta had learned two very important lessons. First, those ideas born of grape juice and wheat water are rarely good ideas. Second, every endeavor of Homo habilii, whether as simple as drawing superheroes or as lofty as taking wing and soaring into the heavens, eventually ends in poop. But it is the lucky Homo habilis whose tale ends in pig poop and not the Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in the Sky. And so, as Farta and Tago have yet to become gone gone bye-bye gone, other adventures await them. In the meanwhile, we leave them to ponder futility for the night. And I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

Chapter 1: The Unbearable Lightness of Cat Poop

Guest Narrator: Orson Welles

OUR STORY THUS FAR: Farta and Tago, along with the rest of their tribe, discovered the mysterious monolith. As Farta pondered new thoughts he was having since the arrival of the monolith, Tago discovered a bone could be used to break things, including Farta's head. As Farta lay unconscious from the blow from Tago's bone, Tago wondered if Farta was gone forever and, if so, would he and other Homo habilii he knew one day be gone forever, as well. Crushed by the overwhelming weight of this pondering, Tago gave up and started using a stick to scratch in the sand crude drawings of female Homo habilii bent over such that their genitalia and the hairiness of their hindquarters were exposed. Tago named this invention "porn," because he could also sort of draw corn, and the two words sounded similar. While pleasuring himself at the sight of his vague female shapes in dirt, Tago also discovered the juice of grapes left to ferment for a long time and water in which wheat had been soaked for a long time, when drunk, could cause pleasurable effects and allow one to forget the concept of mortality. When Farta awakened from his coma, he at first threatened to hit Tago for hitting him in the head with a bone, leaving a large dent, but Farta appeased him with the porn and grape juice and wheat water, and Farta and Tago spent the night drinking and masturbating.


Ooooh. Ow. Oooooh. Ow. Ow. Ow. Tago head hurt. Tago head hurrrrr...




Farta, stop punching Tago in baby-maker... OW!


Farta, stop... BLEARGH!

That what Tago get for making Farta head hurt.

*spit* *spit* Tago gived Farta porn and wheat water.

And Farta head hurt even worse now.

Tago head hurt, too. And now his baby-maker.

And Farta head still have dent. Where Tago leave bang bang bone?

Tago not saying.

Tago tell Farta where Tago leave bang bang bone, or Farta hit Tago in baby-maker three more times.

No! Tago have idea. Yesterday, Tago drinked water soaked in crushed beans. Not like wheat water or grape juice. Helped Tago wake up. Maybe bean water make headaches go away, too.

Tago get bean water now?

Yes, yes. Tago make bean water. Good Farta. Nice Farta. No more hit Tago in baby-maker Farta, okay?

And so, Farta and Tago drank the bean water, and their headaches did indeed subside, although Farta's head ached still from the dent, and Tago's baby-maker ached from Farta's beating. Worse still for both of them, the bean water cleared their minds enough to allow the thoughts to return.

... what Tago saying, Farta not gone. Tago glad. But maybe Farta be gone some day. See?

Farta gone like what? Like Farta's mate Balchane when go get water from stream for baby?

No, no. Gone like... like remember before monolith, when Past try petting Cat with Big Tooths?

Oh. Oh! Gone gone bye-bye gone.

Gone gone bye-bye gone.

Farta not going to pet Cat with Big Tooths. Farta not want to be gone gone bye-bye gone.

No, but maybe that not only way to be gone gone bye-bye gone. Maybe everybody some day gone gone bye-bye gone.

Farta wish there were somewhere to go when Farta become gone gone bye-bye gone.

Tago pretty sure Farta go into pile of Cat with Big Tooths poop.

Farta wonder if Cat with Big Tooths poop good place to go.

Tago not know. Tago never been in Cat with Big Tooths poop. Tago smelled poop once though, before monolith come. Didn't smell good. Didn't taste good, either.

What Tago think would happen when tasted Cat with Big Tooths poop?

Tago not sure.

What if Tago have idea Tago was trying out?

Tago wonder where Farta heading with this.

Farta been thinking: maybe there way to find out what Farta not know. Like when Tago maked grape juice and wheat water. Maybe if Tago say to self, "Tago think other things make good juice." So Tago make juice from berry or potato or Cat with Big Tooths poop. Drink juice. See if juice good or not. Then tell Farta, and Farta try making juice, too. If Farta make juice way Tago make juice, Tago right.

Hmm. Tago going to do that. Farta think of good way to make more juice. Good Farta.

Maybe Farta and Tago can learn other things with Farta learn-things method.

Like what?

Farta not know. Whatever Farta want to know. How to make dent in Farta head go away. Where Big Light in Sky go at night. Why water come from sky sometimes. Where Cat with Big Tooths come from. Maybe even where Farta go when Farta gone gone bye-bye gone.

Hmmm. But Farta, isn't only way to find out where Farta go when Farta gone gone bye-bye gone to be gone gone bye-bye gone?

Farta not thought of that, but Farta suppose.

But if Farta gone gone bye-bye gone, how Farta tell Tago what happened to Farta when gone gone bye-bye gone?

Farta can't. Farta would be gone gone bye-bye gone.

So Farta can't use method on what happen when Farta gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago and Farta never know for sure. Nobody know until become gone gone bye-bye gone.

Farta not thought of that. Farta depressed to never know this.

Tago depressed, too.

(Together): Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

And so there is to be more of this story, but the story's humble author got sick of writing it for now. There will be another member of the tribe, Artiste, who will speak with a bad French accent and describe ways to express one's thoughts and emotions beyond Tago's drawings of sexually alluring female Homo habilii and Farta's drawings of Homo habilii who are stronger and more powerful than real Homo habilii. It will be silly and frivolous. But Tony is a lazy, punk-ass bitch. So for now, let us assume Farta and Tago are going to respond to the realization of the mystery of death with more porn and booze. And I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

Chapter 0: "Issue Zero"



Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Farta! Farta! Look what Tago find! Bang bang bone break things! Break other bone!


Break little rock!


Break Farta's head!



Farta? Farta? Uh-oh. What Tago do? Farta gone. Tago wonder if Tago be gone one day. Tago wonder if everybody in tribe be gone one day. Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Hours pass.

Tago wish not hitted Farta in head with bang bang bone. Stupid bang bang bone. From now on, Tago only use little stick.

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

Hm. Look like corn. Tago wish female in heat season now. Tago want make-baby. Want female for make-babying with. Wait... Tago wonder?

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

That look good. Very make-baby-able female. Very...

*fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*

Hours pass.

Good porn. Tago proud. Tago draw good.

*sniff sniff*

Grapes been here long time. So much juice. Tago wonder if juice taste good?

*glug glug glug*

Tago like grape juice. Tago like grape juice a lot!

*glug glug glug*

Hours pass.

*hic* Tago... Tago draw female with hairiest... hindquarter... ever....

*fap fap fap*


Who say that?

Uhnnn. Farta head....

Farta! Farta! Farta awake! Farta not gone! Tago glad! Hooray!

What happen to Farta?

Tago hitted Farta with bang bang bone. Tago not know Farta would fall down.

Farta must hit Tago in baby-maker now!

No! Before Farta hit Tago, Tago look at porn. See porn Tago make?

Porn look like female in heat with hairy hindquarters and baby-maker exposed.

Porn is. That what porn is. Farta like?

Porn make Farta wish female in heat here. Farta want make-baby.

*fap fap fap fap*

Yes, yes. Good Farta. Here, Farta try grape juice, too.

*glug glug glug*

Farta feel better, but Farta not like grape juice much.

Here. Farta try wheat water, too.

*glug glug glug*

*hic* Farta like wheat water! Farta like wheat water a lot!

Yes, yes. Good Farta. No hit Tago in baby-maker. Good Farta. Happy Farta.

*glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug*

Hours pass.

Lissen. *hic* Farta lissen to Tago. Tago grunt now. Farta lissen.

Farta lissen. Grunt, Tago. *hic*

*hic* Lissen. This important. When Tago hitted Farta with bang bang bone, Farta falled down, not move. Tago thinked... Tago thinked... *hic*


Tago forgetted. Maybe something about Farta not always have dent in head? *hic* This grape juice really good.

Porn good, too.

Yessss. Gooood poooornn....

*glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug*

And so our story begins. And I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.