Fartago: Chapter 0: "Issue Zero"

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Chapter 0: "Issue Zero"

OUR STORY THUS FAR:

OUR STORY FROM HERE ON OUT:

Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Farta! Farta! Look what Tago find! Bang bang bone break things! Break other bone!

*CRACK*

Break little rock!

*plink*

Break Farta's head!

*SMASH!*

*thud*

Farta? Farta? Uh-oh. What Tago do? Farta gone. Tago wonder if Tago be gone one day. Tago wonder if everybody in tribe be gone one day. Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Hours pass.

Tago wish not hitted Farta in head with bang bang bone. Stupid bang bang bone. From now on, Tago only use little stick.

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

Hm. Look like corn. Tago wish female in heat season now. Tago want make-baby. Want female for make-babying with. Wait... Tago wonder?

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

That look good. Very make-baby-able female. Very...

*fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*

Hours pass.

Good porn. Tago proud. Tago draw good.

*sniff sniff*

Grapes been here long time. So much juice. Tago wonder if juice taste good?

*glug glug glug*

Tago like grape juice. Tago like grape juice a lot!

*glug glug glug*

Hours pass.

*hic* Tago... Tago draw female with hairiest... hindquarter... ever....

*fap fap fap*

Uhhnnn.

Who say that?

Uhnnn. Farta head....

Farta! Farta! Farta awake! Farta not gone! Tago glad! Hooray!

What happen to Farta?

Tago hitted Farta with bang bang bone. Tago not know Farta would fall down.

Farta must hit Tago in baby-maker now!

No! Before Farta hit Tago, Tago look at porn. See porn Tago make?

Porn look like female in heat with hairy hindquarters and baby-maker exposed.

Porn is. That what porn is. Farta like?

Porn make Farta wish female in heat here. Farta want make-baby.

*fap fap fap fap*

Yes, yes. Good Farta. Here, Farta try grape juice, too.

*glug glug glug*

Farta feel better, but Farta not like grape juice much.

Here. Farta try wheat water, too.

*glug glug glug*

*hic* Farta like wheat water! Farta like wheat water a lot!

Yes, yes. Good Farta. No hit Tago in baby-maker. Good Farta. Happy Farta.

*glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug*

Hours pass.

Lissen. *hic* Farta lissen to Tago. Tago grunt now. Farta lissen.

Farta lissen. Grunt, Tago. *hic*

*hic* Lissen. This important. When Tago hitted Farta with bang bang bone, Farta falled down, not move. Tago thinked... Tago thinked... *hic*

Yes?

Tago forgetted. Maybe something about Farta not always have dent in head? *hic* This grape juice really good.

Porn good, too.

Yessss. Gooood poooornn....

*glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug* *fap fap fap* *glug glug glug*

And so our story begins. And I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

1 comment:

UnknownFebruary 8, 2009 at 5:04 AM
concept is good, execution is terrible. If I could stomach reading more than a few lines it might have some redeeming qualities. Bad ripoffs of Beckett are not Beckett but they are bad. Reread Waiting for Godot then maybe you will understand the paucity of your attempt. Overall I give it a C- more as a comment on the overall lack of even mediocre writing.
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Dramatis Personae

FARTA - Inventor of Farta's learn-things method and the superhero characters Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta. He becomes a total poop hole to his mate Balchane when he drinks too much wheat water, but he does it anyway when she's not around. He's the more pragmatic and logical of the two heroes. He has a dent in his head from Tago's first use of the bang bang bone. This dent causes him to have headaches, blurry vision and occasional fits of vertigo.
TAGO - Inventor/discoverer of the bang bang bone, porn, grape juice, wheat water and bean water. The more philosophical of the two heroes, he hopes fervently the Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in the Sky, where he believes he and his friends will go when they die, is a good place, but he is not sure. He also has tried to find out who made the monolith but failed. He has a gimp right leg from an ill-advised (and drunken) attempt to fly to the Big Light at Night, where he thinks the Great Big Pile of Cat Poop is. As a result, he walks with a pronounced limp when on his hind legs and must usually use his arms (which are, like all Homo habilii, as long as his legs) to get around.
BALCHANE - Farta's mate. She forbids him from drinking wheat water or looking at porn, so he only does it when she's not around. Farta wants to mate with her for life, as she is a good female, although little else is known of her. She lives in a spacious New England-style cave with Farta and their baby.
PAST - A former member of the tribe who is no longer amongst the living. He died before the monolith came, apparently in an attempt to pet a Cat with Big Teeth. Farta and Tago miss him terribly.
BRUTO - Alpha male of the tribe, previously chosen by the females, but now re-elected by the males in the post-monolith world. He claims to have protected the tribe from Cat with Big Teeth killings, but he refuses to say how he went about doing that. He also promises to protect them from the rest of the elements.
ARTISTE - A member of the tribe who, since the monolith came, has begun grunting with a French accent. He draws masterpieces in the dirt and is convinced they will last forever. He considers Farta's superhero drawings and Tago's porn to be poop, and the latter to be demeaning to females.
DICO - Alpha grunt-maker of the tribe and a member of Bruto's inner circle. He has invented the pronouns "I," "you," "he," "she" and "it." If you do not use these pronouns, you sound like Imbecile.
BRONGO - A weak, cowardly male who challenged Bruto in a debate to become alpha male. The tribe was not inspired by his message of, "Let's feed everybody in the tribe." As a result, he lost the debate, and his crotch was punched by every male in the tribe except Farta and Tago.
IMBECILE - Always a little slow, since the monolith came, he still eats his own poop. But he isn't hurting anybody. So what's the problem?
SLIVER - Another male in the tribe who knows Farta and Tago well from before the monolith came. Like everyone else, he proudly voted Bruto '03 (million BC).

Fartago

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Sunday, February 8, 2009

Chapter 0: "Issue Zero"

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