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Sunday, February 8, 2009

Chapter 3: The Fellowship of Fartago

Guest Narrator: Patrick Stewart

OUR STORY THUS FAR: The monolith came to a tribe of Homo habilii. Two members of the tribe, Farta and Tago, began to recognize the inevitability of death. To cope with this recognition, they invented, discovered or conceived of, in order: tools/weapons (the bang bang bone), vulgar drawings of females (porn), alcohol (grape juice and wheat water), coffee (bean water), science (Farta's learn-things method), an afterlife (the Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in the Sky) and superheroes (Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta). Farta's mate Balchane has told him not to drink any more wheat water or look at any more porn, but Farta continues to do so when she's not around. Farta has a dent in his head from Tago's first use of the bang bang bone, and Tago has broken his leg from an unsuccessful attempt at flight. They have not reunited with their tribe since they first went off to ponder mortality.


How Tago leg feel?

Still hurt.

Farta have to leave soon. If Tago no can walk, Farta must leave Tago here.

Tago can walk. Just use arms. Where Farta go?

Farta not seen tribe since monolith come. Farta wonder where tribe is. Go looking.

Tago come, too. Maybe Tago meet female for mating until gone gone bye-bye gone, like Farta have with Balchane.

Maybe. Tago finish bean water fast. Farta and Tago leave when Big Light in Sky rise.


And so the quest began to be reunited with the rest of their tribe. Farta and Tago traveled slowly, due both to Tago's limp and the frequent dizziness caused by the dent in Farta's head. It took many hours for them to climb the cliff and cross the Plain Between the Mountains to the caves where last they had seen their tribe.

What if tribe not there?

Farta pretty sure tribe still there.

But what if tribe not?

Tago come to Farta cave. Live with Farta and Balchane and baby. Make new tribe.

But Tago not have female for mating in Farta cave.


If Tago not have female, Farta and mate and baby someday move on without Tago. Baby more important to Farta and Balchane than Tago. When Tago become gone gone bye-bye gone, Tago will be alone. Tago not want to be alone when Tago become gone gone....

Tago look! Beside tall grass! Look like males or females from tribe!


Farta not sure. Farta no can see so far. Tago look hard. Maybe Tago see.

Yes, Tago see okay. One male is Artiste. Three females Tago not know.

There, Tago see? Three females, one Artiste. That leave... let Farta count... ... ... two females. Maybe one for Tago. Farta told Tago.

Okay. Farta right. Tago just being worrywart.

And so Farta and Tago were reunited with the first member of their tribe they had seen in weeks. But the reunion was not to be a happy one, as you, dear reader, are about to discover.

Zere! Eet ees latest masterpiece!

It very good, Artiste.

You so creative.

You so make-baby-able.

I know, for I ees Artiste.

What masterpiece called?

Eet ees called, "Zis Ees..."

Artiste! Artiste! Farta so glad to see Artiste!

Tago, too! Tago glad. How Artiste been? Tago missed Artiste.

Oh, eet ees you.

Artiste know where rest of tribe go? Farta need see tribe. Farta have...

Listen you... you Imbeciles! I ees very busy Artiste. I 'ave no time for Imbeciles!

Uh... Artiste grunt funny. Why Artiste grunt funny?

What this "eye" and "ewe" words Artiste use? Tago not understand.

Zey are pronouns. Dico now alpha word-maker of tribe. 'E say, from now on, to use pronouns. So I use pronouns.

Tago not understand pronouns.

But Tago used pronouns in "issue zero" and earlier episodes? Farta remember.

Not no more. Tago retconned pronouns out.

Oh, Farta dig.

Uh... excuse I? We females don't understand this "issue zero" and "retconned"?

Oh. Farta thinked of Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago. Furry Night Bird Farta very smart, and Flying Tago very strong. But sometimes, when telling stories, Farta changed mind of what should be. So Farta thinked up retconning. Like when Farta telled story of "Crisis on More Than Ten Earths." After story, Flying Tago...





Farta? When Tago tell females of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta, females screamed and runned away.

Farta noticed.

Why females do that?

Farta not know.


Flying Tago not poop!

EET EES POOP! I spit on you story. *ptui* *ptui*

Tago not understand Artiste!

Yeah. And why Artiste grunt so funny? Grunt "zz," not "th" and no "h"?

Since monolith come, I become French.

Do French mean annoying?

Non! French mean Artiste.

That not make sense to Tago.

Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Farta right. Okay. Tago still not understand French. But pronouns. Who I? Who you?

I is 'oever is grunting. You is 'oever I is grunting to.

So when Farta grunt to Artiste, Farta I, and Artiste you. But when Artiste grunt to Farta, Artiste I, and Farta you.

You ees right.

Tago not like pronouns. Before pronouns, no matter who grunt, Farta always Farta, Tago always Tago, Artiste always Artiste. All same, all important. But pronouns make difference between "I" and "you." Now someone more important, and I always more important than you.

Farta have question. If Artiste grunting to Farta, Artiste is I. Farta is you. Who Tago?

Tago ees 'e.


No, hhhhhhhhe, you Imbecile.

Oh. Everybody else is he?

Non. Only males ees 'e. Females ees she.

Wait. All males and all females same now?

Een pronouns, oui.

Tago not like pronouns.

If you not use pronouns, you sound like Imbecile.

Why Artiste keep grunting about Imbecile?

Since monolith come, 'e still eat own poop.

So? Imbecile always slow, but Imbecile not hurt anybody. Not gone gone bye-bye gone yet. Not make nobody else gone gone bye-bye gone. Imbecile nice.

Farta agree. Imbecile no worse than anybody else.

Well, 'e ees no worse zan you. Zat is true. But 'e ees worse zan I, for I ees Artiste. I make masterpieces.

What masterpiece?

I show you. Be'old!

Uh... Farta see drawing of poop.

Eet ees drawing of poop.

Okay. Uh... okay. Uh...

Tago draw, too! Look!

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

See? Tago call it porn. It female in heat! Female show baby-maker! Very hairy hindquarters, and...

Eet ees poop.

It female!

EET POOP! And eet demeaning to females.

Artiste call all females same name "she," and Artiste say Tago demeaning to females?

Farta not understand. Artiste say Tago draw poop, but also Artiste draw poop?

Non. 'E drawed poop. I draw masterpiece of poop. Eet ees very different.

Okay. Okay. Tago draw something else. Look.

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

See? Is corn.

Eet ees poop. And eet look like drawing of poop.


No. Farta sorry, Tago. Artiste right. Tago draw poop this time.

No. It corn. See kernels?

No. See poop. Farta sorry.

Wait. So if Tago draw poop, Tago draw masterpiece?

Non! You only draw poop. You only ever draw poop, for you ees Imbecile. I draw masterpiece, for I ees Artiste. Zis masterpiece called "Zis Ees Not a Poop."

Uh... okay. Tago very confused now. Artiste sayed masterpiece poop, now say masterpiece not poop. So what is masterpiece?

Masterpiece ees what you see when you look at eet. Go. Look. Tell I what you see, not zat I care.

Okay. Uh... Tago see... Tago see Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky. That where Tago think anybody go when gone gone bye-bye gone. See all friends who gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago worry about Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky, but also glad to see friends. Tago not sure how Tago feel about Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky.

Zat is afterlife. Afterlife is opiate for tribe.

So what Artiste think happen when Artiste become gone gone bye-bye gone?

I never go. Masterpieces live forever.

Tago not sure Artiste think this through. When water come from sky, masterpieces wash away.


Farta just see poop.

Oui. Zat is because you ees Imbecile. You never understand masterpiece, and you never understand Artiste. I must go. I 'ave tired of grunting to Imbeciles. Au revoir!

Hey, Farta?

Oui, Imbecile? ... Farta mean yes, Tago?

Why Farta not punch Artiste in baby-maker?

Farta not sure. Why Tago not hit Artiste with bang bang bone?

Bang bang bone can make gone gone bye-bye gone maybe. Tago not wish make anyone gone gone bye-bye gone. But hitting in baby-maker not make gone gone bye-bye gone. Only hurt. And Artiste should hurt.

Artiste should hurt. Next time Farta see Artiste, Farta hit Artiste in baby-maker.

Good Farta. Farta think rest of tribe as crazy as Artiste?

Farta hope not. But Farta think Farta need wheat water before Farta meet rest of tribe again. Just in case.

Now Farta grunting. Farta pour grape juice for Tago.

Here mud in Tago eye.

And so Farta and Tago spent the night with their grape juice, wheat water and porn, and Farta told more tales of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta. They would never understand Artiste, but they didn't want to. Any Homo habilis who could not appreciate the simple pleasures of porn and superheroes, they decided, was not a Homo habilis worth knowing. And any Homo habilis who thought himself better than any other, even Imbecile, was far worse than most. But although Tago never told Farta this, Tago secretly pitied Artiste. For Artiste had become what he was only because he feared what Tago and Farta feared: That he, like his masterpieces when the rains came, would one day be gone. Had Tago told Farta this, Tago would have been surprised to learn Farta came to the same conclusion. But it is the nature of Homo habilii to prefer not to mention the one thing which makes them the same: They all, since the monolith came, fear death. And so I remind you, dear reader, who is no less important than I, that when you meet a Homo habilis who is arrogant, petty, cruel or ignorant, that male or female (whom I shall not demean with  a pronoun), like you, fears what might come and whether or not there is a Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in the Sky and whether or not it is a good place to be. As for our heroes, soon they shall be reunited with their tribe and discover if the others have gone as mad as Artiste. But in the meanwhile, I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

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