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Friday, February 13, 2009

Chapter 5: Tago's Masterpiece

Guest narrator: Sam Waterson

OUR STORY THUS FAR: Inspired by Farta's tales of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta, Tago attempted to fly and broke his leg. They went to reunite with their tribe, but their first two encounters were less than fulfilling. The first member of their tribe they met was Artiste, who has, since the monolith came, developed a French accent and taken to drawing "masterpieces" of art in the dirt. The masterpiece they saw was a drawing of poop, which Artiste had entitled "This Is Not a Poop." Artiste was dismissive and unimpressed with Tago's drawings of porn and Farta's superhero drawings. In their second encounter, they saw a debate between the tribe's previous alpha male, Bruto, and a contender, Brongo. Bruto won handily, and as punishment, Brongo's crotch was punched by every male in the tribe. Farta and Tago were horrified by the scene and retreated to their booze.


Somebody *hic*... somebody maked monolith. Tago sure.


Tago not know. Maybe tribe. Maybe other tribe. Maybe somebody else. Flying Tago. Furry Night Bad Farta. Big Light at Night, maybe, or Big Light in Sky. Maybe Cat with Big Tooths. Maybe...


Farta not lissening.

Farta sorry. Farta lissen.

No. Farta think on something else.

Okay. Yes. Farta miss Balchane. Farta need go see Balchane, tell Balchane come to cave near tribe.

*hic* Tago understand.

Farta go now. Tago stay until Farta return?

Farta have food? Tago can't get food by self. Bad leg.

Hm. Here some grapes, wheat, corn. This enough for Tago?

How long Farta gone?

Three days. Maybe four.

Tago fine. Tago stay.

Tago sure? If Tago not fine, Farta take Tago along.

No, no. Tago fine. Farta go. Farta say hello to Balchane.


And so Farta went to sleep to sober up and therefore not let Balchane know he had been drinking, and also not to be a poop hole to Balchane when he saw her. The next morning, he and Tago said their good-byes, and Farta set out across the Plain Between the Mountains to find Balchane and his baby and move them closer to the rest of the tribe. His quest was successful, and Farta and Balchane moved to a spacious, well-kept New England-style cave with a lovely view of the spot where the monolith had been found. Their new cave had recently been vacated by Artiste, who had, since he had begun drawing masterpieces, moved into a loft cave in the mountain the tribe called Soho. Tago was alone for five days. When Farta returned, he found Tago missing from the spot where he had parted.

Tago? Tago? TAGO?!

Bang! Bang!



Tago, are you...? Oh. Tago?


Tago stop! Tago stop! Tago listen to Farta. Tago look awful.

*puff puff pant* Huh? Oh. Hi, Farta.

Tago okay? Tago look awful. Tago eated? Tago sleeped?

Not much. Tago been busy. Tago thinked, if Tago hit rock with bang bang bone, Tago make masterpiece like Artiste. But Tago masterpiece last longer than Artiste masterpieces. Not wash away next time water come from sky.

Oh. This masterpiece here?

It work in progress. Tago can't reach top alone. Bad leg. Farta give Tago boost?


*uhn huff mmm gah uhn*

Okay. Farta hold still. Right there.

Tnngmm lnng nnn Frrrtmm mmmmfff.

What? Tago not under... OW! CAREFUL WITH TAGO BAD LEG!

FARTA SORRY! But Tago leg on Farta mouth!


Farta sorry. Farta sorry. Here. Farta rub Tago leg. Better? Farta sorry.

Mmm. Yes. Better. Leg get better.

Uh... Tago? Uh... Tago leg feeling too good now. Uh... Tago baby-maker poking Farta in ear now.

Hm? Oh. Sorry. Hah. Remember when Brongo try mate with Jana in ear?

Tago not mention Brongo again.

Oh. Oh, right. Tago sorry. Here. Tago move careful, move baby-maker.

*uhn mmm gah*


Now Tago baby-maker poke back of Farta neck.

*Sigh.* Okay. Farta lift Tago a little higher, Tago lay baby-maker on top of Farta head.


*uhnnnnn gah mmmmm*

There. Farta hold still.

Tago hurry!

Farta hold still!

Okay, okay. Tago hurry!



Tago... almost... done?

Just few more hits. Farta stay still.

Tago hurry.


*puff puff puff pant* Okay. Tago done.

Whew. Farta put Tago down now.

Farta careful! Farta careful!

Farta getting dizzy....

Farta careful!

*uhnnnnn* *huff puff puff puff*

Farta like masterpiece?

Masterpiece look like... like... like big baby-maker.

WHAT?! No, no, no.

Masterpiece look like baby-maker. Not baby-maker?

No. Tago see, though. Two little things at top. Farta lift Tago again?

No! Farta tired and dizzy.

But Tago need to finish masterpiece.

Here. Tago give Farta bang bang bone. Farta finish masterpiece.

Okay. Here. Take little bit off there.


No, up more. Little more. Okay.



Little more.


Okay. Now other side.


Farta stop! Okay. Just tiny bit more on other side. Little hit.


Okay. Perfect. Now what Farta think of masterpiece.

*puff puff pant* Tago let Farta catch breath. Farta really dizzy now.


*puff puff puff puff puff puff puff pant*

Farta see?

Masterpiece look like... poop.


What? Masterpiece not poop? Artiste make masterpiece of poop.

Masterpiece not poop! No!

Oh! Oh, Farta see now. Masterpiece is corn. Of course. Masterpiece look just like corn. Good Tago. Tago make good masterpiece.

No, no, no. Masterpiece not corn, either. Never mind.

Uh... what masterpiece, then? Farta confused.


OH! Farta see now. Yes. Farta see monolith.

No, Farta right. Tago not make masterpiece. Tago make poop. Artiste right, too. Tago never make masterpiece, only poop.

Come on, Tago not be like that. Tago try again. Next time, Tago make monolith. Farta sure.

Never mind.

Why Tago want to make monolith, anyway?

Since monolith come, nothing make sense. If Tago maked monolith, maybe something make sense. But Tago failed. Tago can't make monolith, can't fly, can't draw corn that look like corn and not poop. Tago never know who maked monolith, never bring Past back from Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky. Tago can't even find food anymore without help from Farta or tribe. Tago only good for drinking grape juice and drawing porn. Tago never amount to anything, never find female for mating until gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago is Imbecile.

Hm. Farta have idea.


What Farta doing?

Tago help Farta. Push masterpiece over on side.

Yes, Farta right. Masterpiece should fall down.

No, Tago just trust Farta. Help Farta.


One, two, three, Tago push!


kkkkrrrrrrr CRASH!

Now Tago masterpiece really look like poop.

No, see? Farta can sit on masterpiece. Tago, too. Tago rest bad leg. Maybe Tago even lie down. Tago not sleeped in five days.

Yes. Masterpiece is very comfortable.

There. See? Tago not good for nothing. Tago make good place to sit from bad rock.

Yes. Tago thank Farta. Tago feel better now.

Yes. Good Tago. Farto bringed more food for Tago. Balchane sayed when Tago want, Tago come to new cave. Balchane have food for Tago.

Mmmm. Food. Tago so hungry. Tago so tired. ... *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

Good Tago. Tago sleep.

And so Tago slept all night, and all the next day and all the next night. When he at last awoke, he and Farta shared the food Farta had brought, and they spent the rest of the day drinking grape juice and wheat water and looking at Tago's porn and Farta's superheroes. As the day went on, Tago decided he was glad he had made such a good bench and not the monolith masterpiece he had set out to make. The monolith had caused nothing but problems, and Artiste's masterpieces did no one any good, but Tago's bench rested his crippled leg and gave Farta somewhere to lie down when the dent in his head caused dizzy spells. That was worth more to Tago than a thousand monoliths and a million masterpieces. The next day, Tago went with Farta back to his lovely new cave, where Balchane had prepared a fabulous feast of corn and insects and grass and berries. After they had eaten their fill, Tago thanked Balchane and returned to his bench, where he lay on his back and drank grape juice and stared at the night sky and wondered again if the monolith had come from somewhere out there. And as Tago drifts off to sleep, dear reader, I, your humble narrator, bid you adieu.

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