It is highly recommended, if you insist on reading this nonsense, that you start from the beginning. It's hard enough to follow that way. Archives on the right hand side list the oldest chapters first. You really should use it.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Chapter 1: The Unbearable Lightness of Cat Poop

Guest Narrator: Orson Welles

OUR STORY THUS FAR: Farta and Tago, along with the rest of their tribe, discovered the mysterious monolith. As Farta pondered new thoughts he was having since the arrival of the monolith, Tago discovered a bone could be used to break things, including Farta's head. As Farta lay unconscious from the blow from Tago's bone, Tago wondered if Farta was gone forever and, if so, would he and other Homo habilii he knew one day be gone forever, as well. Crushed by the overwhelming weight of this pondering, Tago gave up and started using a stick to scratch in the sand crude drawings of female Homo habilii bent over such that their genitalia and the hairiness of their hindquarters were exposed. Tago named this invention "porn," because he could also sort of draw corn, and the two words sounded similar. While pleasuring himself at the sight of his vague female shapes in dirt, Tago also discovered the juice of grapes left to ferment for a long time and water in which wheat had been soaked for a long time, when drunk, could cause pleasurable effects and allow one to forget the concept of mortality. When Farta awakened from his coma, he at first threatened to hit Tago for hitting him in the head with a bone, leaving a large dent, but Farta appeased him with the porn and grape juice and wheat water, and Farta and Tago spent the night drinking and masturbating.


Ooooh. Ow. Oooooh. Ow. Ow. Ow. Tago head hurt. Tago head hurrrrr...




Farta, stop punching Tago in baby-maker... OW!


Farta, stop... BLEARGH!

That what Tago get for making Farta head hurt.

*spit* *spit* Tago gived Farta porn and wheat water.

And Farta head hurt even worse now.

Tago head hurt, too. And now his baby-maker.

And Farta head still have dent. Where Tago leave bang bang bone?

Tago not saying.

Tago tell Farta where Tago leave bang bang bone, or Farta hit Tago in baby-maker three more times.

No! Tago have idea. Yesterday, Tago drinked water soaked in crushed beans. Not like wheat water or grape juice. Helped Tago wake up. Maybe bean water make headaches go away, too.

Tago get bean water now?

Yes, yes. Tago make bean water. Good Farta. Nice Farta. No more hit Tago in baby-maker Farta, okay?

And so, Farta and Tago drank the bean water, and their headaches did indeed subside, although Farta's head ached still from the dent, and Tago's baby-maker ached from Farta's beating. Worse still for both of them, the bean water cleared their minds enough to allow the thoughts to return.

... what Tago saying, Farta not gone. Tago glad. But maybe Farta be gone some day. See?

Farta gone like what? Like Farta's mate Balchane when go get water from stream for baby?

No, no. Gone like... like remember before monolith, when Past try petting Cat with Big Tooths?

Oh. Oh! Gone gone bye-bye gone.

Gone gone bye-bye gone.

Farta not going to pet Cat with Big Tooths. Farta not want to be gone gone bye-bye gone.

No, but maybe that not only way to be gone gone bye-bye gone. Maybe everybody some day gone gone bye-bye gone.

Farta wish there were somewhere to go when Farta become gone gone bye-bye gone.

Tago pretty sure Farta go into pile of Cat with Big Tooths poop.

Farta wonder if Cat with Big Tooths poop good place to go.

Tago not know. Tago never been in Cat with Big Tooths poop. Tago smelled poop once though, before monolith come. Didn't smell good. Didn't taste good, either.

What Tago think would happen when tasted Cat with Big Tooths poop?

Tago not sure.

What if Tago have idea Tago was trying out?

Tago wonder where Farta heading with this.

Farta been thinking: maybe there way to find out what Farta not know. Like when Tago maked grape juice and wheat water. Maybe if Tago say to self, "Tago think other things make good juice." So Tago make juice from berry or potato or Cat with Big Tooths poop. Drink juice. See if juice good or not. Then tell Farta, and Farta try making juice, too. If Farta make juice way Tago make juice, Tago right.

Hmm. Tago going to do that. Farta think of good way to make more juice. Good Farta.

Maybe Farta and Tago can learn other things with Farta learn-things method.

Like what?

Farta not know. Whatever Farta want to know. How to make dent in Farta head go away. Where Big Light in Sky go at night. Why water come from sky sometimes. Where Cat with Big Tooths come from. Maybe even where Farta go when Farta gone gone bye-bye gone.

Hmmm. But Farta, isn't only way to find out where Farta go when Farta gone gone bye-bye gone to be gone gone bye-bye gone?

Farta not thought of that, but Farta suppose.

But if Farta gone gone bye-bye gone, how Farta tell Tago what happened to Farta when gone gone bye-bye gone?

Farta can't. Farta would be gone gone bye-bye gone.

So Farta can't use method on what happen when Farta gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago and Farta never know for sure. Nobody know until become gone gone bye-bye gone.

Farta not thought of that. Farta depressed to never know this.

Tago depressed, too.

(Together): Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

And so there is to be more of this story, but the story's humble author got sick of writing it for now. There will be another member of the tribe, Artiste, who will speak with a bad French accent and describe ways to express one's thoughts and emotions beyond Tago's drawings of sexually alluring female Homo habilii and Farta's drawings of Homo habilii who are stronger and more powerful than real Homo habilii. It will be silly and frivolous. But Tony is a lazy, punk-ass bitch. So for now, let us assume Farta and Tago are going to respond to the realization of the mystery of death with more porn and booze. And I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

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