It is highly recommended, if you insist on reading this nonsense, that you start from the beginning. It's hard enough to follow that way. Archives on the right hand side list the oldest chapters first. You really should use it.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Chapter 2: How Tago Got His Limp

Guest narrator: Kenneth Branagh

OUR STORY THUS FAR: Two weeks ago, a black monolith appeared before a tribe of Homo habilii. Two of those primates, Farta and Tago, have realized they will one day become gone gone bye-bye gone. To cope with this, they have invented alcoholic grape juice and wheat water, and Tago has begun to scratch depictions of sexually attractive females in heat in the dirt with a stick. Not all their inventions are escapist, though. Tago's bang bang bone is a powerful weapon of defense (and it has already left a dent in Farta's skull), and his bean water counters the depressant effects of the grape juice and wheat water. Farta, meanwhile, has discovered it is possible to learn things through experimentation. Yet Tago and Farta have begun to wonder if there is anything beyond death, or if they are doomed to become nothing more than Cat with Big Tooths poop.


FARTA! FARTA! FARTA! Tago have great idea!


So Tago and Farta friend Past gone gone bye-bye gone. Past go to pile of Cat with Big Tooths poop. But where pile of Cat with Big Tooths poop go? Gone! All other cat poop go away, too, after time. So where Past now? Tago look at sky, and Tago think. Maybe poop in sky? Maybe poop hide somewhere, maybe behind Big Light at Night! Maybe Big Light at Night hold up all cat poop ever was! Maybe there great big pile of cat poop, and when Farta and Tago gone gone bye-bye gone, go to Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky and see all friends who gone gone bye-bye gone! See Past. See every...


OW! OW! OW! Why Farta punch Tago in baby-maker?

Tago grunt too much before Farta have bean water. Tago quiet for while.

Oh. Farta want hair of dog that bit Farta?

Farta not allowed. Farta mate Balchane say Farta drink too much wheat water, Farta become total poop hole.

Farta kind of poop hole when sober.



Balchane say Farta not drink wheat water anymore.

Oh. Farta feel better if Tago draw porn?

No. Balchane say porn demeaning to females. Balchane say since monolith come, males establish dominant patriarchal society. Say females treated as domestic servants or make-baby objects. Say porn perpetuate and reinforce submissive, objectifying culture.

That not make sense.

Since monolith came, nothing make sense. Anyway. Balchane say Farta no drink wheat water or look at porn again.

Wait. Farta already mated with Balchane. Maked make-baby and maked baby.


So why Farta not find new female to mate with if Balchane nag? Plenty of females to...



Farta not sure. What Tago say anger Farta. Since monolith come, Farta think of Balchane in new way. No more want just make-baby with Balchane. Now, Farta want mate with Balchane until Farta gone gone bye-bye gone. Farta not know how to explain.

Tago understand. Since monolith come, Tago want more than just make-baby, too. Tago wishing Tago could find one female Tago can mate with until Tago gone gone bye-bye gone, too. Tago never wished that before. Tago never knowed anybody wished that before. Farta wish that with Balchane?

Farta wish that.

Farta lucky. Balchane great female.

Farta know.

Still... Tago and Farta no drink wheat water and grape juice, no look at porn. How Farta and Tago forget be gone gone bye-bye gone soon?

Farta have idea. Where stick Tago use to make porn?


*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

This Farta. But it special Farta. This Farta look like Furry Night Bird. Furry Night Bird Farta smartest in tribe, smartest in any tribe. Know lots of things from Farta learn-things method. Make lots of bang bang bones for different uses. Good at fighting. Now look.

*scritch* *scratch* *scritch*

This Tago. But this Tago fly like bird. Flying Tago strongest in tribe, strongest in any tribe. Strong enough to pick up whole earth and sky. Can see and hear farther than anyone. Make fire with eyes. Nothing can hurt Flying Tago.

Do Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago ever become gone gone bye-bye gone?


That boring.

Okay, then. Yes.

That sad.

Hm. How about if Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago ever become gone gone bye-bye gone, Farta bring back in later issue, in summer crossover event.

WOW! Tago fascinated with Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago now.

Farta is, too.

Tago want to know all minutiae of Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago, spend hours debating who win in fight, get together in big cave with others who like Furry Night Bird Farta and Flying Tago from all over world, know more about than Tago know about own family.

Farta do, too.

Farta's invention make Tago remember first make-baby-can season. Tago always feel like Tago never stopped first make-baby-can season.

Farta, too. First make-baby-can season long way away from gone gone bye-bye gone.

Yes. Good Farta. Good invention. Farta make more drawings of Flying Tago and Furry Night Bird Farta?


And so Farta and Tago spent the day with Farta's newly invented superheroes. But as the shadows lengthened and night began to fall, even these fantastical distractions were not enough to keep thoughts of death's inevitability away from Tago's mind.

Look at Furry Night Bird Farta beat up Cat with Big Tooths. Pow! Biff! Boff! Bam!

Why Farta not go back to Balchane?

Balchane gone to stream for water with baby.

So Farta alone tonight?


So Farta can't be poop hole to Balchane?


So what harm if Farta drink wheat water?

No harm.

Yay! Tago get wheat water and grape juice. And draw porn.

No. Porn still demeaning to females with objectifying and domestic servant and... Farta forget rest.

No, no, no. Tago promise not to draw porn to demean females. Tago draw smart females. Females good at Farta learn-things method. And females with realistically hairy hindquarters. That work?

Farta sold.


And thus did our intrepid (now that they're drunk, as they're very, very trepid when sober) heroes return to their natural state. As so often happens, many hours passed this way.

Farta! *hic* Farta... Farta lissen. Lissen! This important! *hic* What Tago gonna say, iss important!

Farta lissen.

No! Shh, sh, sh. Tago grunt. Got great idea. Lissen. Okay. Tago thinked of bang bang bone. Tago thinked, "Maybe bang bang bone break things," and bang bang bone worked. Right?

It work. Farta still have dent in head.

Right. Farta still have... oh. Hey. Tago sorry.

Farta not mad.

No, Farta. Tago really, really sorry. Tago like Farta. Tago like Farta so much, Tago never want Farta be gone gone bye-bye gone. Tago like Farta so much.

What Tago was saying about bang bang bone?

Oh, okay. Lissen. Lissen! This important! Okay. So bang bang bone break things. Then Tago thinked, "Maybe grape juice good," and grape juice good. Tago thinked, "Wheat water maybe good." And wheat water good. And bean water good, too.

Tago have point?

Yes! This important! Lissen. So today, Farta think something. Farta think, "Tago can fly like bird." Right?

Oh, Furry Night Bird Farta would totally kick Flying Tago's hindquarters in fight.

NO FURRY NIGHT BIRD FARTA WOULDN'T. But that not point. Lissen! So if Farta think Tago can fly, maybe Tago can fly. Maybe if think things, they true. Right?


Maybe Tago fly all way to Big Light at Night, find Great Big Pile of Cat Poop, find Past and other friends. Bring Past back. Past not gone gone bye-bye gone no more.


Tago gunna do it. Tago gunna fly. TAGO FLY!





Tago not flying.

Tago know.

Maybe Tago need try another way to fly, like Farta learn-things method. When birds fly, birds jump and flap arms. Tago jump and flap arms, maybe Tago fly.

That good idea! Good Farta. Okay. Here Tago go. Tago gunna fly. TAGO FLY!


*flap flap flap* *thud*

Tago not flying.

Tago know. Jumping and flapping make Tago dizzy.

Hm. Tago not feathery like bird. Tago furry like Furry Night Bird. When Furry Night Bird fly, it jump off top of cave wall, drop a while then flap arms. If Tago more like Furry Night Bird, Tago should jump off someplace high.

Like edge of cliff there?

That good place.

Farta very smart.

Farta know.

Okay. This time, really gunna do it. Tago gunna fly.

Farta can't wait.



*flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap flap*



Tago gone gone bye-bye gone?

No. But Tago is hurting.

Tago not flying.


Why Tago not gone gone bye-bye gone?

Tago land on big pile of pig poop.  Breaked Tago fall. Tago really dizzy. Tago hurted leg. And Tago covered in pig poop. Tago not having good night.

Farta not think Tago can fly.

Tago agree.

Farta not think anybody can fly. Farta think nobody ever go to Big Light at Night. Nobody ever know if Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in Sky is there.

Tago think some things Farta and Tago think, can never do. But some things Farta and Tago think, can do. But if Farta and Tago try and can't do, sometimes get hurt bad. So what point of trying? But if Farta and Tago never try, never know what can do. So how can live without trying? Since monolith come, nothing make sense.

Farta guess not.

Farta come down here where Tago is.


Farta bring grape juice.


Farta bring lots and lots of grape juice.


And so Tago broke his leg, an injury which would never heal properly and would give him a limp for the rest of his days. But he and Farta had learned two very important lessons. First, those ideas born of grape juice and wheat water are rarely good ideas. Second, every endeavor of Homo habilii, whether as simple as drawing superheroes or as lofty as taking wing and soaring into the heavens, eventually ends in poop. But it is the lucky Homo habilis whose tale ends in pig poop and not the Great Big Pile of Cat Poop in the Sky. And so, as Farta and Tago have yet to become gone gone bye-bye gone, other adventures await them. In the meanwhile, we leave them to ponder futility for the night. And I, your humble narrator, bid you, dear reader, adieu.

No comments:

Post a Comment